QUARTERLY
NEWSLETTER
COMMUNITY NEWS:
Look for upcoming workshops/seminars in the Walnut Creek area. Topics may include: reasons for misbehavior, communicating with your pre-teen/teen, handling aggression, chores, schedules & routines. Send me an email to suggest other topics you are interested in or vote for one of the topics already on this list. If anyone has a site available to host such a workshop (e.g. church or hall or office space), please contact me.
PARENTING Tips:
CAUSES:
It is my opinion (and that of many theorists in the psychology field) that misbehavior occurs in an effort to meet a need. Some of the needs that may cause tantruming behavior are: the need to be recognized & belong; the need to be taught a skill; the need to feel loved & valuable; the need to feel powerful & respected; the need to experiment & explore; and physical needs like hunger or fatigue.
Attention (needing to be recognized & belong):
Tantrums need an audience… Has your child ever left the room to have one in private?
Control (powerful, respected, the need to experiment
& explore):
While tantrums can be wearing, remember that many
behaviors we value in adults, such as having your own ideas and being
assertive, have their roots in ‘difficult’ toddler behavior! Wanting to do it
themselves is really an effort to be more independent & autonomous.
Frustration (the need to be taught a skill):
Many young children are lacking the skills (verbal or physical) to complete tasks. For example not being able to ask for what they want, getting stuck with an article of clothing halfway on, or a piece of puzzle that won’t fit.
Physical needs such as hunger or tiredness:
Even adults who theoretically have more impulse control
then children get cranky when they are tired or hungry.
Overstimulation or emotional overload:
This threshold is different for different children, but many children meltdown during exciting or noisy events such as parties or at theme parks. Some children cannot stand loud noise or chaotic environments at all.
TIPS FOR PREVENTION
Be consistent:
DON’T GIVE IN!!!! If your child wears you down after you already said “No”, you have just reinforced the tantruming behavior and it WILL occur again.
State your expectations:
Shift your attention to what you want your kids to do. Do not ask “Are you ready to do your homework now?” It leaves the decision up to your child and answer will probably be “no!” Instead say, “Time to get started on your homework!” This doesn’t allow the option for rebellion.
Praise good behavior (even if
it seems small):
You have to catch children being good if you want that behavior to continue. Be enthusiastic, label exactly what the behavior was, and do something nonverbal, like touching your child on the shoulder. “You have been playing together without arguing for 10 minutes now. That is great!” Don’t add, “Why can’t you do this all the time?” Tacking on a negative criticism at the end, cancels the reinforcement of the good behavior.
Use humor:
Act silly, make a game out of cleaning up or tickle the tantrum away. But be careful. You must know your child and use your judgment. You don’t want your child to feel disrespected.
The word “please” and a calm, but firm voice changes the tone of a parent’s request. Saying “Please get ready for bed” is a much better way to get the behavior you want than saying, “Get ready for bed”
Tantrums are often about control. If you give your child an appropriate choice whenever possible, “Do you want to wear the blue jacket or the green one?” he will be more likely to get out the door quickly.
Acknowledge your child’s
feelings:
Feeling understood can
reduce your child’s need to act out. “I know you are angry at me because I said
no”. Eventually your child will begin to verbalize the feeling instead of
tantrum.
Build a routine with down
time:
Too much on the go can create a
tired & irritable child. Although some days it is not possible to follow
the ideal routine, make an effort to structure some daily quiet and relaxing
time for both you and your youngster.
Acknowledge appropriate displays of anger:
When your child has a tantrum that isn’t so bad, go to his eye level and hug him and say exactly why you’re doing it. “You got angry but you didn’t hit or throw anything. Very good.”
Use positives:
Constantly saying no will add to a child’s frustration.
Instead say things like “later” or “after you clean-up your toys”.
In a calm non-emotional voice, clearly tell your child, “This behavior is not acceptable. I am going to count to 10 or set a timer (depending on the age of the child) and if you are still yelling and screaming, you will need to go to time-out.”
One minute per age of the child is a good rule of thumb. The point is to give the child time away from reinforcers of bad behavior such as attention or the activities of other kids. After the time is up, and both you and the child are calm, process the reason for the time-out. “Tell me why you were asked to take a time-out”. Depending on the child’s age, you may need to guide this discussion a bit. Remember to praise any behavior you want to see again. If your child went to time-out quietly and without a fight, reinforce that. You can say “You went into time-out without arguing and stayed in your chair. Good job.”
Tantrums are not “teachable moments”:
When a person’s drowning, it’s
not the time to teach him to swim.
During a tantrum parents are too reactive and negative and the child is
too upset. It’s the worst time to try to
teach your child something. Just try to
defuse the situation as best you can.
Sometimes walking out of the room for a moment, if it’s possible, will
help you calm down and get the situation back under control. This will accomplish two things: first, it
will enable you and the child to calm down and it will remove the attention the
child is getting from the negative behavior.
Many parents think, ‘if it’s not working, I need to go all the way, with a four hour time out.’ When you find yourself going there, you probably need a time-out. When you are calm and rationale, then determine what is an appropriate consequence. Discipline means to teach, not to punish. While punishment may immediately suppress the bad behavior, the behavior often returns as soon as the punishment is over and sometimes it’s worse. Additionally, you are teaching your child that you are not in control when you are angry.
CLOSING THOUGHTS:
You are always modeling. If you yell, hit or act harshly, your child will respond in kind. Tantrums are simply attempts to meet a need. Determine what need that is and teach your child(ren) appropriate ways to get what they want. If their needs continue to go unmet or you reinforce the tantruming behavior by giving the child(ren) what they are tantruming about (e.g. the candy bar in the check-out line), the tantrums will continue and will likely worsen as the child ages.
You don’t have to attend
every argument you are invited to.
The
Tantrum
All the oldies stop and stare
as I stand, in quiet despair.
I watch, and see her lie quite still,
she holds her breath, goes red, until
a piercing wail erupts and then,
she holds her breath and starts again!
Young people look disgustedly
at my small Miss of only three.
Angelic face and darkest eyes,
rapid tears fall as she cries
"I want it, please" she pleads with me
I tell her "No" most solemnly.
I close my eyes and count to ten
as she holds her breath and starts again!
My child is now in deep disgrace,
she hangs her head and hides her face
as once again, I tell her "No",
I grab her hand and start to go.
She throws herself upon the ground
as other shoppers gather round.
"See you later" I say to her.
She picks herself up off the floor.
I slowly walk, my eyes ahead,
and feel a hand in mine instead.
I smile at last, my head held high
as shoppers quickly pass on by.
Lina-Marie Catto