QUARTERLY
NEWSLETTER
COMMUNITY NEWS:
Thank you April Thompson for the referral to
Charlene Giffin, Lifelong Learning Coordinator of Martinez Adult Education. On
February 17, 2009 I had an opportunity to teach a parent support class for
Martinez Cooperative Preschool. It was a pleasure to conduct this training on Rivalry
& Competition and to meet all the parents and staff associated with
this wonderful program. If anyone has a need for a parenting workshop and a
site available to host such a workshop (e.g. church, hall or office space),
please contact me.
Please Note
I have changed my mailing
address: 1748 Tuolumne St. #27, Vallejo, CA 94589-2619
PARENTING Tips:
A responsible character is formed over time. Responsible people have the self-control to act decently, even when tempted to do otherwise and whether or not anyone is watching. Teaching children to be responsible includes shaping them both internally (thoughts, beliefs, attitudes) and externally (actions).
Teaching “Internal”
Responsibility
Inward responsibility deals with attitudes, beliefs and values. It means being respectful of self and others, being honest, standing up for our principles and practicing self-control.
v Use manners at home and in public.
v Do your best. Don’t be satisfied with a mediocre effort. When we check homework and point out mistakes, we are teaching children to value doing things correctly (work ethic). It is also important for us to show them that we appreciate their good efforts.
v Encourage task completion. This will give your child a sense of accomplishment and pride in a job well done. Over time, this will be ingrained and become its own reward.
v “Expect” your child to be responsible. Whatever we expect from our children is usually a self-fulfilling prophecy. When you give a child a task, you can discuss the acceptable time frame for getting it done. Then let the child take it from there and believe it will get done.
v Never call a child “irresponsible.” That too will be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Even if children do something totally irresponsible, refrain from labeling them. Instead, encourage them to make it up as soon as possible.
v Show compassion and empathy for others. This means seeing things from the viewpoint of others and knowing that their feelings resemble our own.
v Take care of your things.
v Don’t procrastinate…take care of responsibilities right away.
v Be on time for meetings appointments.
v Keep your word. Don’t make promises you can’t keep
v Allow your children to do it themselves. Although children need some help now and then, be careful not to do it for your child. With mistakes on homework, help them see how an error has arisen. When we let them correct errors themselves, we inspire self-confidence.
v Don’t overwhelm a child with too many tasks. Take into account the child’s ability and temperament and give them tasks they can be successful at. Success and praise will motivate children to do more. Too many tasks can result in failure and destroy motivation.
v As children age and advance developmentally, so should their responsibilities.
v Tell the whole truth. Do not mislead others for your own benefit.
v Be honest with yourself and your child if you find that you’ve done something that sets a bad example, especially if your child has observed your behavior.
v Follow up with an apology to anyone you have treated badly and, if possible, make up for what you have done.
v Be
accountable. Children need to know that they are responsible for correcting
mistakes when possible. Let children take responsibility for their own
mistakes. Don’t rush in to save them
especially if it is a pattern. Letting a
child off the hook is usually very counterproductive.
v Use
natural consequences when children make mistakes. If your child is constantly forgetting his
baseball glove, let him deal with the consequences. Maybe he has to ask to borrow one for the
game. Encourage him look in the lost and
found, but if it is gone, he might have to buy a new one with his own money. If
you rescue children every time they make a mistake, they’ll never learn
responsibility.
Teaching “External”
Responsibility
External responsibility deals
with everyday things like chores, brushing teeth, money management, returning
library books on time. These are habits that make us productive and reliable.
Chores & other
responsibilities: The purpose of chores is to help your child gain
self-confidence and learn responsibility.
v Start young. Young kids have a strong desire to help out, even as young as age two. Be patient and creative. Even preschoolers can do things like pick up their toys, set and clear the table, make their bed, dump the trashcan, etc.
v Acknowledge hard work. Make sure your children feel like they were successful in completing their chores. Let them know when you see them being responsible. Specifically point out what you like about their behavior. This will make it more likely to continue to happen. Let them know you appreciate their help by saying thank you.
v Make your expectations clear and consistent. Consider using a responsibility chart to outline what you expect of your child each day.
v To build self-esteem, parents need to increase the level of responsibility as their children grow and mature.
v When two or more children who are similar in age live in the same home, rotate the chores and avoid gender stereotyped chores (e.g. dishes for the girls, lawns for the boys, etc.)
v Give them instructions and then let them do it. Have the child be responsible for having it checked off when they complete it. Don’t keep nagging; just have a natural or monetary consequence follow if it is not done.
v Children
need to understand that their most important tasks are to work hard at school
and to do their homework.
v Encourage
older children to take on volunteer work or an after-school or summer job. These are settings in which children need to
be on time, to be pleasant despite how they may be feeling and to make sure
their duties get done.
Elementary school children can do such household chores as setting and clearing the table, folding towels and taking out the trash. Middle school children can perform many household chores such as washing the dishes, mopping the floor, doing the laundry, babysitting and cooking simple dishes. Teenagers can be expected to help with yard work, cook meals, run errands for the family, volunteer in the community or work part-time jobs.
Allowance: The purpose of
earning an allowance is to teach your child the value of money.
v Expect your child to use allowance to pay for the extras like a treat at the movie or outings with friends. This will teach them to decide what is really important to them and to value the money they have.
v A good rule of thumb for determining how much allowance to allow your child to earn is about one dollar per year old your child is per week.
v Teach your child that there all family members are expected to pull his/her weight so they don’t feel entitled to money for any favor you ask of them. There is a difference between helping with family responsibilities and paid chores.
v Allowance
is earned, not automatic. Just as employers only pay employees for completing
their work, children should be taught that allowance is based on performance.
(e.g. The job was completed correctly, on time and without complaining.)
Money Management:
v Start with a piggy bank when they are young. When children ask for something, help them determine how long it will take to save for it.
v With older children, teach them how to save by dividing their earnings in two portions, one that will be saved and one that can be spent.
v Children
should learn not to spend more money than they have – whether it’s allowance,
gift money from grandparents or money earned from a job. Don’t get into the habit of lending your
children money whenever they want something and paying it back when they get
more money. This is poor training. Encourage them to wait until they have enough
of their own funds and not go into debt. This may be an opportunity to do extra
chores to earn money faster.
CLOSING THOUGHTS:
We are always teaching our children something by our words and actions - seeing, hearing, overhearing. Talk often about responsibility with your kids. Make responsibility a family value and let them know it’s important. The best way to encourage our children to become responsible is to act as responsibly in their presence. We must try to be the sort of people we want them to become.
You are not responsible for the programming you picked up in childhood. However, as an adult, you are one hundred percent responsible for fixing it. ~Ken Keyes, Jr.0
When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw you hang my
drawing on the refrigerator, and I wanted to draw another
one.
When you thought I wasn’t
looking, I saw you make my favorite cake for me,
and it wasn’t even my birthday, and I knew that little things are
special things.
When you thought I wasn’t
looking, I heard you say a prayer,
and I believed there is a God I could always talk to.
When you thought I wasn’t
looking, I felt you kiss me goodnight,
and I felt loved.
When you thought I wasn’t
looking, I saw tears come from your eyes,
and I
learned that sometimes things hurt, but it’s all right to cry.
When you thought I wasn’t
looking, I saw you become very angry and stay calm and “use your words,” and I learned to do
that, too.
When you thought I wasn’t
looking, I saw you give my clothes that didn’t fit any more to those less
fortunate, and I learned to reach out to others to help.
When you thought I wasn’t
looking, I saw you read, just for fun, and I learned to love books and learning.
When you thought I wasn’t
looking I saw you look at the night sky,
and I learned to see beauty in the world around me.
When you thought I wasn’t
looking, I heard you sing as you worked,
and I learned that work can bring great satisfaction.
When you thought I wasn’t
looking, I saw you fail, and make mistakes, and I saw you
keep doing your best, and I learned perseverance.
When you thought I wasn’t
looking, I saw that you cared,
and I wanted to be everything that I could be.
When you thought I wasn’t
looking, I looked . . .
and wanted to say thanks for all the things I saw when you thought I
wasn’t looking.
Author Unknown
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