QUARTERLY
NEWSLETTER
COMMUNITY NEWS:
Beginning this fall, I will be teaching two online
classes, Adolescence 101 and Sibling Rivalry, through the
Martinez Adult Education. If anyone has a need for a parenting workshop and a
site available to host such a workshop (e.g. church, hall or office space), or
if you are interested in participating in the upcoming online courses, please
contact me.
PARENTING Tips:
Trust is major foundation in any strong relationship. Nobody likes to be lied to. Honesty is one of the universal principles of morality. I think it can be assumed that we all intend to raise our children to value honesty, having the inner strength to be truthful to yourself and others. However, teaching them to behave in an honest way like giving back extra change, doing your own work (not copying someone else’s), keeping a promise, telling the truth, and admitting a mistake is a much more difficult parenting task.
I believe that all behavior, positive or negative, stems from an attempt to meet an emotional need. The four basic needs are attention, power and control, revenge, and avoidance of failure. All children experiment with lying in an effort to meet these needs. As long as lying continues to serve a purpose or meet the need, there will be no reason for a child to want to change this behavior. Therefore, you, as parents, must determine what need your child is trying to meet before responding to the behavior. Once they learn how to meet their needs appropriately (without lying) their need to lie will have been eliminated.
To Avoid Failure or Punishment: Most children lie out of a sense of fear (they are afraid of the consequences). This is especially true when the child sees you as angry, frustrated, when they believe you might become upset or because they know the truth will disappoint their parents.
To Get Attention & Belonging: Children will lie as a way to make themselves feel important. This may take the form of exaggerating accomplishments and/or experiences. It often is a way for the child to try and receive attention and to be recognized as important and worthwhile. This type of lying is used to assert status or bond with their peer group.
To Gain a Sense of Control: Children may feel empowered by knowing others are fooled by their stories. Often this type of lying will lessen, or extinguish, with increased maturity and confidence. Others may use lying to exploit or victimizing others that are vulnerable for personal gain.
For Revenge: Children will feel hurt and want to hurt in return. For example, when a child yells, “I don’t love you” to their parent in the heat of an angry argument.
Imitating Their Parent’s Behavior: If your child observes you doing something dishonest it will confuse him/her. Even overhearing you do something as seemingly innocent as telling a "little white lie" or convincing a ticket seller that your child is under three in order to get into the museum for free or telling the telemarketer, “Sorry the homeowner is not home right now” will cause your preschooler to doubt your commitment to honesty. After all, if you lie whenever it's convenient, then why shouldn't your child? Children gradually get comfortable with being disingenuous when they hear so many lies. They learn that honesty only creates conflict and dishonesty is an easy way to avoid conflict.
Ø Until
the age of 3, children may lie about small things but do not understand the
concept of telling the truth and what is lying. For preschoolers, lying is
pretty normal, as they don’t yet have a firm sense of moral behavior.
Ø From
ages 3-6, children generally know right from wrong, but will usually only lie
about small things, like having gone to the bathroom before leaving the house
or taking a toy from another child. They still need to be taught the
consequences of these actions and why they are wrong.
Ø By
ages 4-6 years, children understand cause and effect and can therefore begin to
understand the concept of trust.
Ø After
the age of 6, children know that lying is wrong.
Ø Any sudden or dramatic increase in lying is a sign that something has changed in that child’s life. This type of lying is likely a symptom of a bigger problem.
Ø If lying has become a successful strategy for handling difficult situations, a child will continue this behavior. If they are still lying a lot at age 7, they are hooked and it will be a very difficult behavioral pattern to change.
Clarify the Truth Versus a Lie: For young children, make sure they know the difference between fantasy and reality.
Model Honest behavior: Children learn from their parents and are very aware of what you do. Even things like rolling through a stop sign, calling in sick when you really aren’t or keeping the extra change at the grocery store will teach your child that it is alright to bend the rules and not tell the truth. The more your preschooler sees you modeling honesty, the more he/she will value honesty.
Use the “T word” (Trust) Regularly: Explain that if lying becomes a habit, they will not be trusted which means less freedom and more rules. Read The Boy Who Cried Wolf, or a similar book. Explain how very important truthfulness can be in your relationship with the world. (E.g. I said yes this time because you have earned my trust).
Make it Easy to Tell the Truth: Make it very clear that lying is ALWAYS worse than whatever it is they may be trying to cover up. Everyone makes mistakes and as long as they are honest and do their
best to fix whatever damage resulted (e.g. clean it up, apologize, buy a new one, etc.) and make efforts not to repeat the mistake, then that is all that can be expected. If the consequence of telling the truth is
less scary than the consequence of lying, your child will trust that you only want to resolve the issue, not punish him/her.
Praise & Reinforce What You Expect: Just as with any behavior you want to see reoccur, praise any spontaneous confessions. If it was a small offense, maybe there is no consequence due to the child’s choice to be honest about it.
Be in Control: Respond calmly but firmly. Be aware of your tone of voice and physical presence (body language).
Provide Reassurance as Well as Discipline: Remind your child repeatedly that you love him/her even when you disapprove of the behavior, feel angry with or disappointed in his/her choices.
Build Them Up: Place significant attention on building their self-esteem. Make it a point to recognize your children’s accomplishments and highlight their strengths. Talk with them about how mistakes and successes are both a part of life.
Allow for Space: Especially with older children, they need to have some privacy. Tell your child that if they don’t want to talk about something, it is okay to tell you that.
Check Your Expectations: Are you putting too much pressure on your child to perform
academically, athletically or socially? Are your expectations realistic for a
child that age?
Avoid Entrapment: Don’t ask the question if you already know the answer (‘‘Who did this?'' or ''Did you do this?'') when you already know or can guess the answer. Don’t put them in positions to lie, testing their honesty unnecessarily. Instead, make it a statement. “Looks like you drew on the table. You need to be careful to keep the pens on the paper. Please help me to clean it up.”
Give Them an Out: If you do make the mistake of backing your child into a corner where it seems that either answer will result in something negative, back-pedal. Don’t force them to choose loyalties because they may be feeling pressured to protect a friend or family member.
Disengage When Necessary: Do not argue about lies or the truth, or even discuss it. When you know the lie is happening as it happens, make it clear you know the truth and are disappointed.
Address All Dishonesty: To let it pass or not address it directly will just reinforce to your child that lying is an option when you want to avoid consequences. Don't sidestep a conversation about honesty.
CLOSING THOUGHTS:
The irony of lying is that it’s both normal and abnormal behavior at the same time. It’s to be expected, and yet it can’t be disregarded. As parents it is your job to catch those lies, correct them and provide moral instruction.
Lying is done with words and also with silence.
Please understand I am
growing up and changing very fast.
It must be difficult to keep pace with me, but please try.
Please reward me for telling the truth
then I am not frightened into lying.
Please tell me when you make mistakes and what you learned from them
then I can accept that I am okay, even when I blunder.
Please pay attention to me and spend time with me
then I can believe that I am important and worthwhile.
Please help me explore my unique interests, talents and potential
in order for me to be happy. I need to be me.
Please do the things you
want me to do
then I have a good, positive model.
Please tell me by your words
and actions that you love me
then I will feel loveable and will be able to love others and myself.
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